Being Assertive: the key to communicate

Being assertive is about making sure your voice is heard and being able to explain your feelings and needs. Assertive communication is based on mutual respect. As well as asserting your right to express your ideas, emotions and thoughts, you respect the other person’s right to express their perspective and feelings.

But how can you be more assertive?

Examine how you currently communicate with other people

The first step is to ask yourself what kind of response you have when you want to explain your needs, feelings or thoughts. Do you prefer to remain silent? Do you have trouble saying no to people?​ Are you quick to judge or blame? ​You would also need to be aware of the responses you get from others: Do people seem to dread or fear talking to you?​

Use ‘I’ statements

Using ‘I’ statements instead of ‘you’ to let the other person know what you are thinking or feeling will help you not to sound accusatory. Say ‘I disagree’ rather than ‘you are wrong’ or ‘I could’ or ‘I might’ instead of ‘I must’ or ‘I should’​

Practice saying ‘no’​

Before starting to say ‘no’ It’s worth asking yourself what feels so worrisome about saying it and what your early experiences of conflict were like. It may be that you have some therapeutic work to do to separate the past from the present.​

It is important for you to understand that people have the right to ask you to comply with their wishes and you have the right to decline to do so​. You might need to repeat tou yourself almost like a mantra: “they can ask and I can say no”.

Be aware that people may not graciously accept ‘no’. Instead, they may try to get you to change your mind.​ In those cases repeat your ‘no’, recognising that you are being assertive and not aggressive. If they veer into aggression, you can set a firm boundary by saying, “It appears that you are not accepting my ‘no.’”​

If the other person does get upset with you for saying no, take a deep breath and remind yourself that they are upset because they are not getting what they want and that it is not your job to give them what they want.​

Keep your emotions in check

You might feel angry, frustrated or emotional when trying to communicate. If possible wait until you are feeling more centred before starting difficult conversations.​ If not, work on keeping calm. Breathe slowly and try to keep your voice even and firm. ​

Practice makes perfect​

Now that you know how you communicate and ways to improve it, it is time to try it. Start with small challenges with family and friends and try to get honest feedback. The more you try, the more it builds your self-confidence and self-appreciation.